Rainbows

Ahh. my life ... a giant The-Day-After-Tomorrow style thunderstorm with a black and white rainbow waiting for me at the end. After today, I have learned that talking too much is not good. I swear silently and solemnly to be a more quiet person from now onwards. No one seems to bother pissing off the hooded, black clothed, soft spoken young man of few words sitting in the corner minding his own business.


And I prefer it that way. The pitiful creature I am. I wish depression wouldn’t come so easily for me. Wouldn't it be better to be dry-eyed, to be strong and able to handle anything that comes my way? But everything I am, my courage, my strength, my pride... it's all part of playing pretend. Pretend to be the person I will never be.


Hopeless I am in the sense that I long to be something that I am not, and I have been pretending so much for so long I no longer remember who I really am. What are my real virtues, I do not know. Perhaps none of you will ever know who is the real me, because I don't know him enough to revive him anymore. I just know that I am not this, I am not who I seem to be to most people.


They say look into your heart to find out who you are, but my heart has too many walls to break, too many bridges to cross, too many mountains to climb. I knew I built these walls, made these bridges, and formed these mountains. With time, I made them all. But with all the strength I spent there, I no longer have enough to undo them to break them down again, to discover the person who is locked inside so many layers and layers of obstacles.I'm too tired to do that now.


I feel like I'm at the end of a road, and there's nowhere to go but to plunge down into a deep ravine. I wonder if by doing that I will crash and die, or find the answer to where I am supposed to go. Am I supposed to take the dive down?


To gather all my will, my beliefs, my courage, and jump? Or if I am supposed to do a U-turn and come back to... wherever I once was, to a place where the road had diverged, to replay history and somehow change it so I will never end up at the end of the road anymore. So that my road will keep on going... and going... and going with endless fascinating landscapes for me to see, to smell, to touch. For me to live through all of them, again and again.


Here is a quote off the Knights Of Cydonia:
"Come ride with me through the veins of history,
I'll show you that god falls asleep on the job,
How can we win when fools can be kings?,
Don't waste your time or time will waste you."


Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone wants to be rich. Everyone wants everything. But ... something happened that made it so that not everyone will be happy, not everyone will be rich and not everyone will have everything. These fortunes are gifts, priviledges enjoyed by people who don't deserve them.


Life is one giant thunderstorm, a thunderstorm where not everyone will make it out to see a rainbow.


Maybe I won't see any rainbows. "Look at the bright side" are just words that irritatingly overoptimistic people use to make people like me feel as if we mean something, as if we can do it, as if we are not low grade, as if we aren't snake shit.


But life goes on ... My life will go on, and I have a feeling that it will end in my own hands. There is really not much of a point living in a world where you have an obligation to humor the people that you do not select without reluctance from your heart, mind and soul.


At the end of all of this, I wonder ... what the hell have I just written ... it was all completely random rubbish that I will make something out of when I read it the next time I am angry enough to crack the bathroom wall again. It is time to take stock of the damage to my room.